Added to “Love & Marriage”
on Phil’s 99th birthday, November 23, 2020
Here are attributes Phil Roets considered essential to a fulfilling marriage
- Marriage is a “work in progress” growing and adjusting as needed.
- Establish patterns of non-verbal communications: a look, touch, eye contact.
- Develop phrases to open discussion on a difficult topic: Examples:
I hate to bring this up but it’s bothering me.
At the risk of alienating you further, I need to ask/say….
When you’re ready to discuss (topic) let me know. We need to talk.
Sorry. I only meant to…..
Are you silent because you are sad? Angry? Confused? What?
- Verbal phrases used with sincerity:
I need help.
Thank you for….. (help, listening, patience, suggestions…..)
When you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen.
I'm withholding judgment and ask you to return the favor..
We both did our best, and it didn't work. Now what do we do?
- Routines and Division of Labor are important even though both can do the job.
- Marriage is sharing but not a “50-50” proposition. Give and take as needed.
- Role models in life and media provide examples of good/bad marriages.
- Essential qualities needed at all time: respect, trust, dependability.
- You are not perfect nor is your partner. Be honest about this.
- Love completes us.
Please, write to your spouse: card, letter, notes something to read and touch after your spouse dies. Death is built into the cycles of life.
June 15, 1986.
Thank you for the Father’s Day card and all the nice things it says. I don’t react strongly when I look at the cards but I am deeply appreciative. I can say it better with a pen.
June 22, 1986.
By the way, you can discard the score from last night’s Scrabble game. I put a special section on my disk upstairs and recorded my win already. I’ll keep track of your losses at the same time.
I love you, Sweetie! I am not gloating over my abilities at Scrabble. I thought your attempt to manhandle me afterwards was a low way to get even. My warm, tender, affectionate love is all yours. Ex imo corde, Phil
January 28, 1987.
As for response to your feelings last night. I gave none because I could not see how my being disturbed would help you. I figure if I let the strong feelings churn my innards, then I am letting my enemies control me as they did before. So I am to a stage where I can wipe them out.
April 23, 1987.
I’m glad you had a nice trip to Breda, yesterday, and a pleasant visit. Your Mom will probably always wonder if there was some way she could have cared for your Dad at home but there isn’t. As an outsider, I commend the wisdom and the courage shown in following the conviction to get the help of the Nursing Home.
May 26, 1987.
I love you, Sweetie. We’ll get everything to work out to the good. I say this not because of a Providence or some such. I say it because we have faced bigger obstacles before and surmounted them.
July 4, 1987.
I love you, Sweetie! I am a person in turmoil but I express it differently. My love is all yours. I don’t see the future as bleak but challenging. When you run ahead of the pack, the territory is often empty but the pack is nipping at your hells. We’ll run together - toward our ideals as they unfold.
September 29, 1987.
You ask why I love you. You are the only total confidante I have ever had. I feel totally at ease with you. That’s for starters.
December 13, 1987.
Cor ad Cor loquitur (Heart to heart speaks)
Tamesi verba non formantur. (Even though words are not formed)
Acta majori cum sono dicient (Actions - with greater sounds )
Quam omnia verba in universo. (than all the words in the universe.)
Ex imo corde, (from my heart), Phil